Toxic partners: breaking the bonds

I wanted to follow up the previous article on toxic partners with some ways to clear and cut from these people. This is also a great way to start the new year with a clean slate – and even helps with long gone partners. It is one of the biggest favours we can do for ourselves, emotionally, spiritually and sexually.

Many times over, I have witnessed people blossom and grow as they move on from a toxic relationship. The energy previously caught up in trying to keep the relationship running morphs into an explosion of fun and creativity. A sudden acceleration or change in career, hobbies, haircuts and travel are common. People who have been stressed-out shells of themselves start to glow again.

1. The tricky part: working on yourself

In order to really move on, we need to own and heal whatever in us is grabbing onto this person. Otherwise we will simply recreate the dynamic with someone else.

For example, if someone doesn’t think they are worthy of love, they will get uncomfortable with a healthy loving connection. This can manifest as feeling bored, trapped etc and they will often subconsciously sabotage the relationship. These people are thus often attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable, already in relationships or even toxic.

The subconscious favours familiar patterns, even if they are unpleasant. So a little deep soul searching is required here.

Toxic people tend to be energy vampires and feed off attention, competition and conflict. It reduces a partnership to its lowest possible form, a tit-for-tat power play. These relationships activate our wounds, confirm pessimistic beliefs and have an emotionally addictive quality. The key word is drama. If someone has a pattern of on/ off relationships, says they find nice guys/ girls boring, call conflict passion or they are into make up sex, this is a pretty good indication this sort of dynamic is playing out.

2. The ritual of release:

Do this in front of an open fire or candle.

Write a letter to this person. Write out all your grudges, all the ways you feel you have been wronged. There will likely be anger, and possibly some tears. Be real, get everything off your chest. You may not be ready to forgive them, and that is fine, it may take several clearings. Burn the letter.

Now focus inwards, and find where in your body those emotions are. Visualise them if you can – colour, texture, sensation, memories. Use your power of visualisation to pull them out of your body, even use you hands if it feels right. They are often thick and sticky. An icky sensation, stomach gurgles or burps are quite common when people are clearing this energy. Pull those energy strings or blobs out and cast them into the flame to be transmuted. Continue until you are done. Deep cleansing breaths really help too.

Then visualise the remaining bonds between yourself and this person. It may be one thick cord, or many tiny ones. Gently visualise cutting this cord in whichever way feels right – gently nibbling with scissors, or one fell light saber swoop. See the two ends returning to yourself and the other person, and send a mental message of release and completion. Feel the end being absorbed into you, and your energy boundary sealing over.

Now write a letter to yourself. Write out any ways in which you let this person step on your boundaries, how you let this situation get out of hand.

  • Is there a pattern in common with other people in your life or previous partners?
  • If you met another person like this, what would you do differently?
  • Are there any red flags you would recognise in future?

3. Follow up with any physical action required

People are often resistant to taking these measures because they are so effective.

  • Return possessions
  • Delete messages
  • Delete or block them from your social media so your curiosity won’t get the better of you
  • Reclaim yourself and your space. Perhaps rearrange the furniture, wash the bedding so you can’t smell them on the pillow.
  • If there is something you enjoy that you haven’t gotten around to doing for awhile, this is the perfect time.

For a really toxic entangled relationship, it may take a few rounds of this clearing, and that is fine. It is common to feel some grief and regret over how much time was wasted. Don’t beat yourself up.

4. Reappearances from the ex

Cutting cords to an ex is a profound piece of energy work, and it is uncanny how often that person will pick upon the shift and contact you, so be prepared.

Be wary of people like this trying to reconcile. Toxic people don’t like to feel they have “lost” so they may put on 100% charm, just to suck you back in so they can be the one to discard you. Or they may just want some drama and a fight. If you don’t feed them with an emotional reaction, they might escalate the situation to see if they can trigger you, but if you hold steady they will look for easier prey.

Over the long term toxic exes tend to resurface periodically. If they find themselves bored or horny they go through their contact list, to see who snaps the bait. Don’t be surprised if you get a message out of the blue months  or even years later.

This can be very jolting emotionally, so it may be better just to block them from all forms of access to you.

© Embracing the Divine Sensual – The Body Sacred

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Healing our relationship with sex is part of evolving consciousness

Healing emotionally and attaining spiritual adulthood requires that we heal unhealthy sexual beliefs. It allows sex to take a natural, positive part of life – as something both divine and everyday. In fact, in the tantric view everything in life, even the most ordinary, is viewed as inherently divine.

It is well worth taking the time to examine your beliefs about sexuality, relationships, gender roles, what you define as good and bad. Even in people with fairly liberal backgrounds, some of these internal programs may be still holding you back, albeit subtly.

Humans are innately and naturally sexual. As a primal impulse, for procreation, as a yearning for intimacy and to experience a sense of divinity, the sexual drive is present. One cannot be at peace whilst wrestling with guilt or shame about an aspect of one’s own essence. This tends to manifest internally as avoidance/shutdown or obsessive/ addictive behaviours, or alternating between both.

An inner conflict with sexuality will also manifest outwardly. It is no coincidence that the most perpetually conflict ridden societies are repressive. They are more judgmental and controlling of their people’s private lives, and highly suspicious of differing beliefs or lifestyles.

When these belief systems (personal, familial, cultural or religious) are extreme, transgression of the rules is perceived as a betrayal of the entire tribe. The control may be subtle – guilt, shaming and manipulation, using labels such as dirty, impure, bad, unholy, not respectable. In extreme cases, the infringement must be punished and made an example of. Some of these punishments are barbaric and far worse than the original perceived wrongdoing.

Sex and religion got mixed together early in the story of humanity – and we’ve paid a heavy price for it – children are told mere sexual thoughts or masturbation can be enough to invoke the wrath of deities and result in eternal damnation or misfortune.

We have seen this through all times and cultures – from rules of acceptable courtship, sexual conduct, removal or maintenance of body hair, clothing, forced marriage, genital mutilation, homophobia, so called honor killings, blaming victims of rape, slut shaming, stoning of unmarried couples. Historically, females have fared worse, and feminine sexuality was (and is) much more policed.

If someone is truly awakening in their sexuality, they are increasing self awareness and are working through their wounds. It is an emotional and spiritual journey, and truly is a game changer. They are starting to shift beyond the illusion of ego, and of the roles the unawakened world requires people to play. Sex then becomes another aspect of a healthy, positive existence, not as an ego support mechanism in the form of conquest, competition, escape/ distraction, obsession or self validation.

This requires taking responsibility for their actions and beliefs, and a recognition of when others are projecting or attempting to manipulate. They are comfortable with their own boundaries, and respect others. They are centred and powerful, and not triggered by different belief systems. As part of this awakening process many people find they are no longer attracted to toxic relationships. They may distance themselves from an unhealthy or restrictive family dynamic or religion.

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© 2013  Embracing the Divine Sensual – The Body Sacred

updated 2015. Feel free to forward or share, in entirety, with credit