Toxic partners: breaking the bonds

I wanted to follow up the previous article on toxic partners with some ways to clear and cut from these people. This is also a great way to start the new year with a clean slate – and even helps with long gone partners. It is one of the biggest favours we can do for ourselves, emotionally, spiritually and sexually.

Many times over, I have witnessed people blossom and grow as they move on from a toxic relationship. The energy previously caught up in trying to keep the relationship running morphs into an explosion of fun and creativity. A sudden acceleration or change in career, hobbies, haircuts and travel are common. People who have been stressed-out shells of themselves start to glow again.

1. The tricky part: working on yourself

In order to really move on, we need to own and heal whatever in us is grabbing onto this person. Otherwise we will simply recreate the dynamic with someone else.

For example, if someone doesn’t think they are worthy of love, they will get uncomfortable with a healthy loving connection. This can manifest as feeling bored, trapped etc and they will often subconsciously sabotage the relationship. These people are thus often attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable, already in relationships or even toxic.

The subconscious favours familiar patterns, even if they are unpleasant. So a little deep soul searching is required here.

Toxic people tend to be energy vampires and feed off attention, competition and conflict. It reduces a partnership to its lowest possible form, a tit-for-tat power play. These relationships activate our wounds, confirm pessimistic beliefs and have an emotionally addictive quality. The key word is drama. If someone has a pattern of on/ off relationships, says they find nice guys/ girls boring, call conflict passion or they are into make up sex, this is a pretty good indication this sort of dynamic is playing out.

2. The ritual of release:

Do this in front of an open fire or candle.

Write a letter to this person. Write out all your grudges, all the ways you feel you have been wronged. There will likely be anger, and possibly some tears. Be real, get everything off your chest. You may not be ready to forgive them, and that is fine, it may take several clearings. Burn the letter.

Now focus inwards, and find where in your body those emotions are. Visualise them if you can – colour, texture, sensation, memories. Use your power of visualisation to pull them out of your body, even use you hands if it feels right. They are often thick and sticky. An icky sensation, stomach gurgles or burps are quite common when people are clearing this energy. Pull those energy strings or blobs out and cast them into the flame to be transmuted. Continue until you are done. Deep cleansing breaths really help too.

Then visualise the remaining bonds between yourself and this person. It may be one thick cord, or many tiny ones. Gently visualise cutting this cord in whichever way feels right – gently nibbling with scissors, or one fell light saber swoop. See the two ends returning to yourself and the other person, and send a mental message of release and completion. Feel the end being absorbed into you, and your energy boundary sealing over.

Now write a letter to yourself. Write out any ways in which you let this person step on your boundaries, how you let this situation get out of hand.

  • Is there a pattern in common with other people in your life or previous partners?
  • If you met another person like this, what would you do differently?
  • Are there any red flags you would recognise in future?

3. Follow up with any physical action required

People are often resistant to taking these measures because they are so effective.

  • Return possessions
  • Delete messages
  • Delete or block them from your social media so your curiosity won’t get the better of you
  • Reclaim yourself and your space. Perhaps rearrange the furniture, wash the bedding so you can’t smell them on the pillow.
  • If there is something you enjoy that you haven’t gotten around to doing for awhile, this is the perfect time.

For a really toxic entangled relationship, it may take a few rounds of this clearing, and that is fine. It is common to feel some grief and regret over how much time was wasted. Don’t beat yourself up.

4. Reappearances from the ex

Cutting cords to an ex is a profound piece of energy work, and it is uncanny how often that person will pick upon the shift and contact you, so be prepared.

Be wary of people like this trying to reconcile. Toxic people don’t like to feel they have “lost” so they may put on 100% charm, just to suck you back in so they can be the one to discard you. Or they may just want some drama and a fight. If you don’t feed them with an emotional reaction, they might escalate the situation to see if they can trigger you, but if you hold steady they will look for easier prey.

Over the long term toxic exes tend to resurface periodically. If they find themselves bored or horny they go through their contact list, to see who snaps the bait. Don’t be surprised if you get a message out of the blue months  or even years later.

This can be very jolting emotionally, so it may be better just to block them from all forms of access to you.

© Embracing the Divine Sensual – The Body Sacred

This article can be shared in its entirety, with credit to the author.

Sacred Sexuality: The Evolution of Intimacy

Many Westerners are being drawn to a more holistic approach to life in general, and their personal lives are no exceptions. People often have a sense of something more, a higher purpose or meaning, that they yearn for, even if they can’t articulate exactly what it is. I personally believe Sacred Sexuality offers the answers many are seeking.

It is the art of bringing the profound spiritual experience and immense physical pleasure into one’s sexual life, and ultimately into all aspects of life. Sex is for most people the most common and easily accessed experience of the divine, and with practise this energy can be harnessed and used constructively.  

Like any extraordinary experience, it sets off irrevocable changes…in our outlook on life, and how we feel about ourselves. In the same sense that the true yogic path is far more than just stretching, the traditional teachings of sacred sex were an inclusive spiritual outlook on life, embracing sexuality, the body and the everyday physical experience as a pathway to spiritual evolution. Many indigenous cultures have their own forms of sacred sexuality eg. paganism, Tantra, Taoist teachings. The recurring underlying themes are the synergistic creative force of merging polarised energies and accessing higher consciousness.

It is about recognising the divine in everything, and experiencing and embodying this divinity. Sexuality becomes a dance of physical and spiritual love, of energy and higher consciousness.

Physically the nervous system has to accustom to higher levels of pleasure without overload, resistance or dissociation. Emotionally speaking, this is also true. Hitting ecstatic states involves a deep level of surrender. It is about the experiencing yourself without any labels: paradoxically at the most primal and powerful, yet most vulnerable and open. To share this with another is beautiful, transforming and *VERY* humbling. So even though it’s a positive experience, it can be confronting.  People find transcendental sexual experiences can unexpectedly throw their relationship dynamics. Interestingly, the people who often have the hardest time are those who have been quite promiscuous, who on the surface may seem sexually liberated (and have a lot of ego investment in that label), but in fact are uncomfortable with the deep intimacy. This sudden emotional and energetic openness can feel like loss of identity, control or freedom, and it is very easy to withdraw from the partner.

Like any spiritual path, facing, accepting and releasing the ego’s needs, wounds and resistances are an inherent part of the journey. Deep emotional healing will take place. You can only get so far if you don’t want to deal with this.

The rewards are immense. Feeling happier with yourself and life.  Increased healing, health, energy, vitality, radiance and joy. A whole new level of emotional connection with people (not just sexual partners) becomes possible.  Oh yes, and the amazing sex…these are the experiences that leave you energised, tingling and sensitised for days afterwards.

© Embracing the Divine Sensual – the Body Sacred 2010. Feel free to forward this article in its entirety with credit.